I really feel for the fine people of Minnesota. They deal with frigid temperatures, a hockey team that continuously lets them down, and now a storm of shitty human beings is headed straight for U.S. Bank Stadium.

The Patriots and Eagles both punched their tickets to the Super Bowl yesterday and with that, have guaranteed a fate worse than death for Minneapolis, Massholes from New England and the human trash bags from Philly will be filling the streets leading up to the Big Game. I mean can you imagine being one of the poor souls living in Minneapolis who walks outside one morning at 9 a.m. only to hear some drunk Patriots fan screaming at his friend “I pahked my cah let’s go watch Tahmmy replays and tahlk about Dunkin’ Donuts fah hours! It’s wicked cold!”

But unfortunately, it’s not like the other team has many redeeming qualities. Philly fans are such awful human beings that the city of Philadelphia had to grease the light poles in hopes that their fans wouldn’t climb them (spoiler alert, it didn’t work).

These are the same fans that booed and threw batteries at Santa and regularly punch police horses. It’s truly a wonder they’re even able to pull together enough to watch this game seeing as how they spend most of their time standing around the “bubbler” yelling at each other about Pat’s and Geno’s.

How ever you split it, the real loser of this game is going to be the city of Minneapolis which, for one week, will be the world’s largest landfill.



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